Post Written by Vasily Alekseenko

Picture this: you’re on stage, about to deliver the pitch of a lifetime to a room full of investors. The spotlight’s on you, all eyes are watching, and you’ve got 60 seconds to make an impact. But instead of dazzling the room, you want to ensure they remember you for all the wrong reasons. Here's how to fail spectacularly, tongue firmly in cheek (sadly based on real life experience).

1. Start with a Vague Vision: Forget about clarity or focus. Kick things off with a broad, sweeping statement about how you’ll change the world. Make it so general that no one really knows what your business does. Throw in some buzzwords about “revolutionizing” industries and “disrupting” markets, but don’t dare mention the specific problem you’re solving. Specifics are for amateurs.

2. Exaggerate Everything: Investors love hearing about partnerships with Fortune 500 companies or how you’re about to raise millions—even if it’s all just smoke and mirrors. Don’t worry about backing up your claims; a little creative inflation never hurt anyone, right? Go ahead, stretch the truth about your traction, revenue, or the size of your market. They’ll never know...until they do.

3. Tell Your Life Story: Take your precious minute and dive deep into the origins of your entrepreneurial spirit. Talk about your childhood, your hobbies, and how your grandma’s pie recipe inspired you to start your business. Who cares if your audience is there to hear about your startup? Personal stories are much more entertaining, after all.

4. Ignore the Room: Who needs to connect with the audience? Make your pitch as niche and technical as possible. Throw in all the jargon and acronyms only industry insiders would understand. Your goal is to confuse, not clarify. If people start zoning out or giving you blank stares, mission accomplished.

5. Read from Your Phone: Confidence is overrated. If you want to truly tank your pitch, bury your head in your phone or script and read every word verbatim. After all, eye contact and engagement are just distractions. A robotic delivery will surely make you stand out (in all the wrong ways).

6. Monotone Delivery: Even the most exciting idea can sound dull if you put enough effort into being monotone. Speak in a flat, uninspired voice that could double as a sleep aid. Forget passion—investors love feeling like they’re in a boardroom nap session.

7. Overuse Jargon: Investors aren’t looking for clarity; they want to hear every obscure term and acronym you can throw at them. If they can’t follow along, that’s on them, not you. The more complicated you make your pitch sound, the more impressive you’ll seem—or so you think.

8. Skip the Ask: Who needs to be clear about what you’re looking for? Just assume the investors will magically know what you need, whether it's funding, mentorship, or strategic partnerships. Don’t bother mentioning how much you’re raising or why you need the money. Clarity on that front? Totally optional… or so you think.

9. Overcompensate with Confidence: Start your pitch with bold, cocky statements like, “This is the best business you’ll hear about tonight” or “Investing in us is a guaranteed success.” Overconfidence is key, right? Unfortunately, no. Coming across as overly cocky or making outrageous claims can instantly discredit you, especially if your pitch doesn’t live up to the hype. Investors want to see confidence, but overdoing it can make you sound out of touch or, worse, untrustworthy.

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